Struggle

After taking them across the stream, he sent across all his possessions. Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn. When he saw that he had not prevailed against him, he wrenched Jacob's hip at its socket, so that the socket of his hip was strained as he wrestled with him. Then he said, "Let me go, for dawn is breaking." But he answered, "I will not let you go, unless you bless me." Said the other, "What is your name?" He replied, "Jacob." Said he, "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with beings divine and human, and have prevailed." Jacob asked, "Pray tell me your name." But he said, "You must not ask my name!" And he took leave of him there. -Genesis 32:24-30 (JPS Tanakh)

Torah portion Vayishlah is traditionally read on this coming Shabbat and it recounts the very famous event of Jacob wrestling with "the Divine". We are left to question whether Jacob (or Israel) wrestled with an angel or actually with God or, as some in the Messianic movement theorize, with a "pre-incarnate Yeshua" (Jesus). We don't know. The question has been tossed about for centuries by the wise sages and while opinions flourish, no definite answer has come forth. More than the identity of Jacob's mysterious opponent though, I want to know how it's possible for a human being to enter into combat with a supernatural being...and win?

For years I had struggled with the theology of Catholicism, a theology which emphasizes belief. Once I seriously questioned that belief, the roots of my faith were shattered. Though I was taught that deeds were important, the stress was on having faith, on "believing in" something, even though or perhaps especially because it evaded all reason. In Judaism, by contrast, it is the emphasis on action, on righteous behavior that I find so attractive. The allowance, sometimes encouragement, of questions concerning belief, God, and truth is such a welcome relief. One can be religious and question; in fact, it is one's duty to question. Once I had learned that Israel meant "to struggle with God", I felt my destiny at hand.
-by Lydia Kukoff in her book
Choosing Judaism

I woke up in the middle of the night last night trying to outline this blog in my imagination. I'm teaching specifically on Jacob's struggle tomorrow at my congregation, but at 3 o'clock this morning, I realized that I'm undergoing a struggle like Jacob's on a daily basis. I'm undergoing this struggle every time I post an article on this blog. I'm undergoing this struggle every time I try to reconcile all of the different comments by all of the different contributors here and on other blogs in the Messianic realm. What does it all mean and how can I be a part of it? Is there really a place for a child of the nations in the Kingdom of God? Some say "only in the Gentile Christian church" while others insist "the Torah is for everyone." Everyone believes they are telling the truth, but who is actually right?

In my search for personal answers to my faith, perhaps Jacob (and by inference, God) is trying to tell me the answers aren't as important as the struggle. Yes, Jacob's "wrestling match" ended with a definite conclusion and the course of his life was set as Israel from that moment on, but he still had to struggle. It wasn't just handed to him and indeed, he carried a scar (or in his case, a limp) as a reminder of the struggle for the rest of his days.

Struggling with my faith and trying to carve some niche for myself in the Kingdom has left its fair share of scars. Others seem to experience nothing but sheer joy in their faith, but neither do they ask questions. They just accept. Quoting Lydia Kukoff, Judaism isn't a faith of answers but of questions and struggles and while I make no claim to Judaism, my Messiah and Master is Jewish. Seeing through that lens, it may be that it's the struggle itself that defines each person's faith.

Adam was the direct handiwork of G-d. No other human being could ever be as magnificent. Yet he had only one temptation to resist and he gave in. Which teaches us that the greatest challenges in life are those that are closest to your purpose of being. To the point that if you wish to know your central purpose in life, you need only look at where your greatest challenges are. -Rabbi Tzvi Freeman

My wife forwarded an email containing this quote to me a few days ago. I suspect she was trying to tell me something about me and about us (since she's a non-Messianic Jew). I found another quote in Kukoff's book that I also think is relevant, though I'm not sure exactly how yet.

The Torah was given in public for all to see, in the open. For if it had been given in the Land of Israel, Israel would have said to the nations of the world, you have no share in it; Therefore, the Torah was given in the wilderness, in public, for all to see, in the open, and everyone who wishes to receive it, let them come and receive it. -from the Midrash

I sometimes want to give up this entire path because of the struggle, because of the lack of unity, because of the constant bickering and debate, but the battle of Jacob with the Divine Being in Vayishlah reminds me that the walk of faith isn't always a gentle stroll through a leafy glade...it's sometimes running as fast as you can, balancing on the edge of a razor blade, trying not to fall and trying not to bleed. Of course, you get cut...and there are scars.