Charles Dickens
A Tale of Two Cities
No, I'm not anticipating an unfortunate appointment with the guillotine and I'm hardly feeling fatalistic about matters (though I must admit to some "moodiness" lately), but this very famous and oft quoted phrase from one of the most popular novels written by Dickens seemed appropriate this morning.
If you've been reading my latest blogs and conversations including The Beautiful Girl and Her Very Long List and especially Overlap, Part 3: Speed Bumps, you'll understand my struggles in the "Messianic movement" and my personal resolution to those struggles. While I've been anticipating such a move for the past six months or more, I woke up this morning with a feeling that a weight had been lifted.
Don't worry. I'm not automatically assuming that my emotional state is a "sign from the Holy Spirit" that God approves of my decision. Too often I've found that people rely on their feelings to tell them what God does and doesn't approve of. In my experience though, we tend to feel "better" when we do what we want to do (which may or may not be within the will of God) and worse when we are doing the will of God, at least when it takes us outside our comfort zones.
So my "feeling better" isn't necessarily any sort of communication from God that He wants me to stop serving at my congregation. That matter remains firmly rooted in prayer, and I trust that God will make His intentions clear without having to tinker with the part of my brain chemistry that generates emotional states.
Something interesting happened this morning, though. My wife and I were talking before I left for work, and she asked me if I was going to resume teaching a weekday evening class at my congregation. I mentioned briefly that I'd be teaching a 16-week course, mapping the teachings of Yeshua (Jesus) in the Book of Matthew back to the collection of Torah commandments Jews can obey today listed in The Concise Book of Mitzvoth as compiled by The Chafetz Chayim (and when the book arrived in the mail late last week, my wife's little eyes got all big and round with interest...I think she wants to borrow my book).
I also took the opportunity to say that after the 16 weeks were done, I'd be resigning from leadership in my congregation and leaving "the movement". Her response took me off guard.
She asked me, "How will you be fed?"
That struck me as more of a Christian sort of question than Jewish, at least in her wording. Of course, she doesn't want me to quit just because of her or because I think she wants me to. I explained that it's a little more complicated than that (without going into my whole blogging experience) but naturally, she does play a role in my decision...just not the only role.
She seems concerned about what I'll be doing after I leave the congregation with no "feeding" coming my way. We agreed that, for the past several years, I've been doing most of the feeding at the congregation, but I really don't have a resource besides self-study, to expand and challenge my own faith and education. I still don't know how that's going to work post-congregation, although both Dan and Gene have made pretty much the same suggestion about a solution.
My wife didn't spontaneously offer up the option of the Chabad, and I didn't really expect her to. It may be too threatening for her to imagine me, with my "tainted" past, showing up in a world where she so strongly experiences her Judaism.
I don't have much more to say about my decision to leave the "Messianic movement" except that right now, it "feels" like the right thing to do.
But feelings are enormously deceptive, so I'm prepared to wait and see how things develop.
This isn't to say that I regret the relationships I've developed with various people through the course of these blogosphere discussions. I hope to maintain a number of contacts with people "post-congregation" as I value their insights and their kindness. However, the overall dynamics of "the movement" and probably the world of faith in general, contains more than its fair share of "knock-down-drag-outs".
As of this morning, my decision to distance myself from these issues does seem to be "a far, far better thing." Maybe on the other side of my decision, when summer is here again, I can find a sort of "neutral zone" where Christians and (Messianic) Jews (and non-Messianic Jews) can sit down together over a cup of coffee or a beer and share our insights and differences without having to feel threatened. Maybe it'll be like this, at least someday:
Everyone will sit under their own vine and under their own fig tree, and no one will make them afraid, for the LORD Almighty has spoken. -Micah 4:4Addendum: I found the following quote and it seemed appropriate:
I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. -Matthew 8:11
If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. Men will believe what they see. -Thoreau
36 comments:
"I'm sorry that these sorts of head-banging, faith draining, roads to desolation type of arguments have to occur among the body of believers, but it's in our nature as human beings to "screw up a free lunch".
The Bible is filled with confrontations, one on top another, and it's not all bad because truth needs to be upheld and falsehood exposed. Even in NT, most of the stuff in there focuses on undoing the damage done by others, be it the Yeshua vs Jewish leaders, or the apostles vs false teachers. Heck, the book of Galatians is extremely confrontational and language employed in it is quite harsh and seemingly unloving at time. Yet, people will be far more hurt in the long run by following falsehoods and false teachers than by hearing a harsh truth said in hope of lasting repentance.
I know a great deal about opposing falsehood and the like, though I'm not at liberty to share the details. I also know that, in my opinion anyway, ignoring the way that Tim Hegg is currently choosing to present his teachings is probably the best way to cause those teachings to go away. Hegg is only one guy. I don't think what he's doing compares to the situation in the Apostolic Scriptures, which was a major head-on collision between people coming out of pagan worship, Jews attempting to fulfill the Messianic mandate to turn those former pagans into disciples, and Jews (and perhaps some non-Jews) who couldn't get past the idea that Gentiles were no longer required to convert before entering into worship of the God of Abraham.
Derek has every right to blog about his thoughts and feelings regarding Hegg and I have every right to say that I don't think it'll do very much good. There's also more than a little emotionalism going on here and I do know that personalizing conflict is no way to run a debate.
I didn't use the "divorce court" metaphor lightly. I'm glad it's not my "divorce".
" where Christians and (Messianic) Jews (and non-Messianic Jews) can sit down together over a cup of coffee or a beer and share our insights and differences without having to feel threatened. Maybe it'll be like this, at least someday:"
What is the big deal? I do it here in Vegas all the time, without
leaving my community.
James, if I'll ever make it to the next year's UMJC conference (Dallas, Texas), perhaps you too can carve our some time and a bit of dough to meet me there? Would love to hang out and talk!
Oh darn! Last year's conference was in Seattle, which is only a long day's drive away from Boise (but a ton more miles away from Florida). My wife plans to attend her 2nd annual conference with the Chabad in Crown Heights (Brooklyn) in less than a month. Maybe I can convince her that I should be able to attend a conference, too. Frankly, the selling part for me would be the opportunity to meet you (who's supposed to be speaking there this year?).
Dan, I'd still love to visit Vegas to maybe visit the Valley of Fire again and to stop by and visit you and your congregation. After ending my formal association with Messianic congregations, I'd still like to "chill with some of my homies". ;-)
James:
I'm sad to hear of anyone leaving their community. Your reasons may be good. Just sorry to hear it and hope it will all work out for peace and goodness.
The good news, James, and I hope you hear me on this, is that the whole wide world of Christianity and Judaism is open to you. Don't let one Chabad group convince you otherwise or what you hear from any Messianic group.
I certainly hope I've never given you the impression you'd be anything but a desirable member at our place if you lived in Atlanta. Our congregation is filled with intermarried families.
As for my decision to call a certain public figure out today, I gather you disagree with the decision I made. But I believe I'm calling for some good to take the place of the bad and I don't think that is a bad thing.
Derek Leman
James,
I'm sorry you feel this way. I pray that G-d shows you the way in which to walk.
I for one don't agree with B.E but i don't have anything against those that do. I just don't see it in Scripture!
But i do believe in Divine invitation!!
I can disagree with your decision and still understand why you made it. I think it's OK to disagree and still be able to have a relationship, Derek.
I certainly hope I've never given you the impression you'd be anything but a desirable member at our place if you lived in Atlanta. Our congregation is filled with intermarried families.
If I'm ever in Atlanta for a Shabbat, I'll take that as an invitation to visit your congregation. If you have singing, please excuse the horrible noises I'll be making. ;-)
Rey, as I'm sure you've discovered by now, there are lots and lots of opinions in the world of MJ and I for one, think (as I just said to Derek) that it's OK to disagree. That I made a particular decision for me, doesn't mean that I want everyone to make my decision. We all have to live our own lives and to follow our own paths. That we are one in the Messiah doesn't mean that our individual paths are identical.
James,
I agree.
But i do believe in Divine invitation!!
I remember speaking to Boaz Michael last summer and one of the things he told me is that he never intended for Divine Invitation to become a theology. So far, the closest thing I've found in the Jewish world is what Rabbi Mayer Twersky wrote.
Just keep reading and studying and most of all, keep questioning assumptions. Astronomers are constantly discovering new and revolutionary ways to understand the universe. I believe that as we grow spiritually, we discover new and revolutionary things about how we relate to God. Once we get stuck in our beliefs like a fly in amber, we take the risk that our faith and our hearts become just as frozen.
James,
lol I don't see Divine Invitation as a theology either but it makes sense.
That was actually a great quote by Rabbi Mayer Twersky! Much to pray,think, and study about!
I know this is unrelated to the current topic (for the most part), but I wanted to illustrate at least part of what we non-Jews experience when we interact (or at least observe) the Jewish world.
On twitter, Rabbi Shmuley just made the following tweet:
i'm planning on being in Crown Heights for Yud Shevat. Anyone know of any good farbrengens?
Needless to say, I was extremely grateful for Google. ;-)
"Frankly, the selling part for me would be the opportunity to meet you (who's supposed to be speaking there this year?)."
James, I have now idea who's speaking this time, and last year I didn't know either. I have hardly attended any speeches and only dropped in on a few classes. All of my time was spent talking to old friends and meeting new ones (even davened with the antimissionaries in their hotel room). Then there was a whole other headache finding kosher food in an area where the few avaiable kosher stores/restaurants require half-hour+ driving (great place for MJ conference, UMJC!) Had a great time nonetheless.
Actually, I was kidding when I asked who was speaking. It was my lame way of implying that I'd be more interested in meeting you.
Once the site for the conference in Dallas is announced, you might want to hop on Google and scope out the nearest kosher restaurants (if any exist). I can tell you that we have none in Boise at all (so it's a good thing the conference isn't here).
even davened with the antimissionaries in their hotel room
Which brings up a whole new issue (assuming we actually get to meet). How do an observant Jew and a believing vanilla Gentile pray together? It must look like the difference between night and day. Stripping my practices down to the gears, wires, and batteries leaves me with no rituals or traditions to fall back on.
"leaves me with no tradition to fall back on."
James:
It is a tragedy to have a tradition yanked away suddenly. I don't encourage you to just quit using your Siddur. If you feel a need to find another tradition at some point, well and good.
Meanwhile, you could make modifications to prayers that assume you are part of the people elected at Sinai.
Derek Leman
[I also took the opportunity to say that after the 16 weeks were done, I'd be resigning from leadership in my congregation and leaving "the movement"]
I know there are plenty of issues going on, but don't you think you might be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
It is a tragedy to have a tradition yanked away suddenly. I don't encourage you to just quit using your Siddur. If you feel a need to find another tradition at some point, well and good.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing and could be interpreted as just another step in me questioning my assumptions (Should non-Jews pray with a Siddur?) regarding my religious practices.
Actually I told Rebyosh in the comments section of another blog post that this summer, I'd be packing away all of the "Jewish stuff" (kippah, tallit, tefillin, and so on) at least for awhile, but probably not my siddur.
My comment to Gene was more a question of how does a non-Jewish vanilla-flavored believer and a Jewish believer who has an Orthodox tradition pray together? There must be some sort of provision for it, particularly if there are Gentiles in Messianic Jewish congregations, but putting my assumptions aside, I don't know what that would look like.
Meanwhile, you could make modifications to prayers that assume you are part of the people elected at Sinai.
Oh, I love this topic (seriously, I really do). Did the "mixed multitude" spontaneously convert to Judaism when they accepted the Torah at Sinai, or did they retain their non-Hebrew identities while at the same time, obeying the same commandments as the born Jews? I maintain the latter with the understanding that, like Ruth, by just doing the same things that the born Children of Israel were doing that, over several generations, they assimilated and were finally absorbed into the tribes.
With that understanding however, I'm not sure I can "assume" that I'm part of the "people elected at Sinai", and I don't doubt that some of the other folks who regularly contribute to these comments would have an objection or two if I made such an assumption. Let's keep it simple for now.
In any event, when I pray with a siddur privately, I do modify the prayers to acknowledge the fact that I'm not Jewish. I sometimes wonder though, what did the early God-fearers and later, those non-Jewish pagans who converted to the Messianic faith did when they were worshiping in 1st Century CE synagogues.
I know there are plenty of issues going on, but don't you think you might be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
Yes and no. I'm not dying and I'm not surrendering my faith, but I am taking the whole "questioning my assumptions" thing to a new level. To get the whole story, you'll have to read back two or three blog posts. It's not just the "issues" in MJ, BE, and the "Gentile question" that have resulted in my decision.
A. I'll still be around on this blog for awhile, which means I'm not exactly going to be quiet.
B. Once I shut it down, I'll probably just start another blog about my journey from that point on. If I didn't write something, I'd explode.
"My comment to Gene was more a question of how does a non-Jewish vanilla-flavored believer and a Jewish believer who has an Orthodox tradition pray together?"
If you pray in a Jewish setting, pray along with everyone else, stand up along with everybody else, sit down along with everyone else, etc. That's the expected etiquette in ANY synagogue. If you do not find a certain prayer appropriate for you, skip it and pray another prayer. Or pray your own prayers if you found yourself out of sync. Most traditional synagogues have folks going at their own pace - if you came in late, you can start at the beginning (unless Torah is being carried or read) even if everyone else long moved on. It's much more relaxed than you may think.
James,
Oh, I love this topic (seriously, I really do). Did the "mixed multitude" spontaneously convert to Judaism when they accepted the Torah at Sinai, or did they retain their non-Hebrew identities while at the same time, obeying the same commandments as the born Jews? I maintain the latter with the understanding that, like Ruth, by just doing the same things that the born Children of Israel were doing that, over several generations, they assimilated and were finally absorbed into the tribes.
That's a great question (and it is a very interesting topic). What about that mixed multitude at Sinai that excepted the Torah? I think about this a lot...
If you pray in a Jewish setting, pray along with everyone else, stand up along with everybody else, sit down along with everyone else, etc. That's the expected etiquette in ANY synagogue. If you do not find a certain prayer appropriate for you, skip it and pray another prayer. Or pray your own prayers if you found yourself out of sync. Most traditional synagogues have folks going at their own pace - if you came in late, you can start at the beginning (unless Torah is being carried or read) even if everyone else long moved on. It's much more relaxed than you may think.
Oh duh. I even read all this recently in Judaism for Dummies (see, I told you I was getting back to basics). So that applies to non-Jews praying with Jews in a Messianic Judaism/Bilateral Ecclesiology type environment, right?
The reason I ask is that non-Jews tend to get "dinged" for "misappropriating" Jewish worship practices. If I'm starting with the basics, I might as well begin from scratch and build things from the ground up.
James,
I am saddened, greatly, to hear you're no longer a Messianic.
Some hard questions for you. If this is too pressing, just ignore them. If they are too insinuating, forgive me as your friend. But if they cut through the cruft and get at heart of the matter, answer them.
My questions:
What caused you to go on this journey that has led you to leaving your congregation?
After you leave your congregation, is it possible that, in the years to come, you will join your wife and kids in rejecting Yeshua as the Messiah?
I am saddened, greatly, to hear you're no longer a Messianic.
It's probably more accurate to say that I'm "transitioning" out of being "Messianic" (though depending on who you talk to, it's possible that I could never have been "Messianic"). It's not like flipping a light switch on or off.
This doesn't mean that I'm not a believer, nor does it mean that I still don't feel a connection to Judaism in my own way. The Shema still calls to me. I still love reading the Torah portions and the commentaries by the sages. I still adore the glow of the Shabbos candles as the sun sets on Friday night.
What caused you to go on this journey that has led you to leaving your congregation?
I tried to answer this question, at least in part, in today's blog but the "real" answer is very detailed and complex. In truth, it's been coming on for a long time, certainly since last summer and really before that. I just kept pushing it away, but many of these conversations as well as my own prayers and ponderings have brought me to this point.
I spoke with Boaz earlier and this is part of what we discussed. It's very difficult to articulate all of the subtle influences and nuances of my experience, but I believe that my ability to honestly question my own assumptions, perhaps in combination with experiencing a bit of Judaism through my wife's personal journey, have brought me to where I am right now. Please keep in mind, this is only a partial answer. If you re-read every post I made in this blog, I think the answer is in all of them, one step at a time.
After you leave your congregation, is it possible that, in the years to come, you will join your wife and kids in rejecting Yeshua as the Messiah?
To start off with, my wife and daughter are not Messianic. My son David just discovered this fact the other day and he was floored. I can't say I'm happy about it myself, but I'm not in control of their spirituality and I have to allow them to explore their own path.
David, at least peripherally, still has a faith in Yeshua, but it doesn't appear to be very active, at least as far as I can tell. Michael (my other son), I don't know about. He's still trying to figure out his life in many different ways and when he gets a better handle on it, I believe God will bring up the question of faith for him again.
At this point, all I can say is that I have no intention of rejecting Yeshua. It would be foolish of me to say that there is zero possibility of this because, a year ago or three years ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd actually be leaving my congregation.
That said, I do know that, as I have explored the idea of converting to Judaism (in it's non-Messianic form), I found I could never do it because I would have to actively renounce my faith in Yeshua. I can't do that. My whole being just chokes on the thought.
Yeshua said in Luke 9:26, Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. I can't go down that avenue. If Yeshua is my guide and my companion on the path of faith, it would be like abandoning him at a fork in the road and leaving him behind. How can I do that?
I can't see the future or anticipate decisions I may make months and years ahead. I can only have faith in God and faith that my faith (if you'll pardon the redundancy) will not fail.
Thank you for answering honestly.
I wish you the best.
I wish you the best.
Judah, I'm not dead and I'm still going to continue blogging (you're not rid of me yet).
You may see this as a break or an ending, but for me, it's a continuation of a journey I started when I first accepted, by faith, Yeshua as the Jewish Messiah and as my Savior. I'm not done with him and, God be willing, he's not done with me, either.
I hope you also are not done with me, my friend. I would like to continue to share thoughts, feelings, and faith with you.
How about it?
Of course!
I have seen people who, shaking their faith at one level, throw out everything in a few years' time.
My brother is an example who did this and ended up denying Yeshua. My cousin is an example of a person who did this and ended up an atheist. A friend of mine years back did this, and rejected Yeshua, became a Jew, then went finally went atheist.
James, I know this sounds dumb and maybe even controlling (gosh, I hate religious control) but I am fearful you will reject Yeshua in a few years time.
I have yet to witness someone who, cutting themselves off from their religious community, remains faithful to their convictions.
Instead, what happens is, "show me your friends, I'll show you your future". That is to say, whatever views and opinions and people you surround yourself with, you will become like them. It doesn't matter if it's Christian, Jewish, Messianic, atheist, whatever. Your influences are your future.
I hold out hope that your devotion to Yeshua, sparked when he firmly grabbed you years ago, won't diminish.
There's another thing that bothers me, James. But it's not really fit for a blog comment, I'll save it for private email.
I can't say that the whole "community-less" thing doesn't bother me. It even bothers my wife. I don't have an answer right now and while I have a responsibility to generate an answer, I'm also convinced that God will kick me in the side if He sees me going too far afield (at least He's done that pretty consistently up to this point).
My brother was a believer when he was a teen but became an atheist later in life...more or less about the same time I came to faith. I've talked with him about it, and he's adamant in his "faith" in atheism. I know what you're talking about.
I look forward to your email.
James,
A busy schedule has prevented me from sounding off until now. Derek's comments reflect my sentiments, as does Judah's exhortation to continue to believe in and cleave to Yeshua. I consider you a friend and brother on this journey together.
Yahnatan
I consider you a friend and brother on this journey together.
As do I, Yahnatan, although I am kind of hurt that you could be so busy that you can't keep up with my constant blogging (just kidding about the last part).
My journey has several most blog posts added to it by now, plus it's been a very busy (if really tense) day in the Messianic blogosphere.
May the peace of Yeshua visit us in the night and rise with us at the dawn.
James,
Sorry I am late to the game on this post. I too would love to continue dialogging. I also appreciate you and your insights. If you do make it to the UMJC conference (per your discussion with Gene), I would love to finally meet you as well. Just in case, if you ever would like to talk off our blogs, my email address is yoshbrum at gmail.com.
Sorry I am late to the game on this post. I too would love to continue dialogging. I also appreciate you and your insights. If you do make it to the UMJC conference (per your discussion with Gene), I would love to finally meet you as well. Just in case, if you ever would like to talk off our blogs, my email address is yoshbrum at gmail.com.
Same here. You can reach me at james.pyles at gmail.com
Well i think you are doing the right thing. You are a Gentile so why not follow your own traditions as a Gentile Christian rather than following those customs appropriate for Jews but not necessary for Gentiles. i think it is ridiculous for Genitles to don Tefillin or Tzitzits.
Well i think you are doing the right thing. You are a Gentile so why not follow your own traditions as a Gentile Christian rather than following those customs appropriate for Jews but not necessary for Gentiles. i think it is ridiculous for Genitles to don Tefillin or Tzitzits.
Well, that's not exactly how I'd put it Aharon, but thanks (I think). Leaving the "Messianic movement" behind in a formal sense doesn't mean I'm leaving faith behind, nor does it mean I'm leaving behind any interest in Judaism and its Messianic expression. I'm also not entirely convinced that there isn't a case for non-Jewish disciples of the Jewish Messiah obeying the mitzvot.
Oh, and I clicked the link to your profile and you have a very interesting background.
Blessings.
James - I had just gotten familiar with your blog over the last couple months. I wish you well in your journey. I was struck by the comment: "leaves me with no rituals or traditions to fall back on.." I would invite you to explore the Catholic Church. You might be surprised to find it is "home". Athol and I live there. Be glad to discuss as you like.
Todd V
" I would invite you to explore the Catholic Church. You might be surprised to find it is "home". Athol and I live there. Be glad to discuss as you like.
Thanks for the invitation, but I'm not sure that would be a good fit for me. If you've been reading my more recent blog posts including today's entry and its comments, you'll see I'm pursuing other potential options.
That said, I'll be around awhile and as you can also see, I'm a prolific blogger, so my "adventure" will continue to be chronicled.
Blessings.
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