Thursday, July 22, 2010

What am I doing here?

My wife forwarded an email to me that was sent to her by a Christian friend. The original author of the email was inviting a group of folks to an Erev Shabbat service at an (apparently) One Law gathering in the town I live in tomorrow night. It referenced an OL group that meets in LaGrande, Oregon and mentioned a "Rabbi" from Oregon who would be in attendance.

The email addresses of all the recipients were visible and a few of the names seemed familiar, but I couldn't place them exactly. It reminded me of a somewhat similar email I received last week from a fellow I know, forwarding a message about Boaz Michael being in my area next Monday night to do a teaching. I recognized a lot more of the names in the email recipients, but none of them currently attend my congregation.

It's moments like these that I realize just how fragmented "the movement" is in my little corner of the world. While we all generally operate under the same "label", because of the various theological and personal differences involved, we don't worship together, except perhaps at special events, and even then, we might not see each other for years at a time.

It's times like these (and especially lately) that I ask myself, why am I doing this? What am I doing here? Is there any meaning to what I'm looking for, or am I just spinning my wheels?

Then I look at the various comments in this and other similar blogs and my sense of fragmentation of "the community" is enhanced. We all operate within our own little bubbles, telling ourselves our own little stories about who we are, who God is, and especially, why the "other guy" is "wrong". If I were to even casually analyze the different articles I've written, the ones that have garnered the most comments have been the ones where people were arguing the most.

Is this really the united body of Messiah, coming together as one, encouraging each other, loving each other, and worshiping the One God, in fellowship?

I know, I know. I could let the proponents of MJ/BE chase me back into "the church" so I'd never be seen or heard from again, but it's not the warm, comfy cocoon for me that it is to other people. I've already explained in my previous article Forked and elsewhere why returning to the church would be a bad fit for me. I sometimes wonder why returning to a church setting seems like it would be so attractive a destination for a Gentile believer from a Jewish MJ/BE point of view. That I don't find it attractive, lets them accuse me of being both a "Christian hater" and a "Jew hater". Strange thought, that.

Maybe if I'd been "raised in the church", I'd have the necessary nostalgic feelings that would draw be back into the comfort of meeting on Sundays, sitting in a pew and singing "Onward Christian Soldier", and enjoying a good, ham brunch after services. Oh, my parents did take me to a Lutheran church when I was in Junior High. I think it was largely so I'd get a moral and religious education (my father wasn't a believer then but would come to faith after I reached adulthood and left home). The only thing I discovered is that I was either bored in the services or generally hassled by the other kids in Catechism class (I was never a popular teenager). No, nothing nostalgic there. When I was old enough, I told my parents I was never going back, and I didn't.

When I finally came to faith as an adult in my early 40s, at first, I was clueless. Injected into church life, I had no idea what to do there. It took time, but I started to make a few friends, went to Bible classes, and various other events. I was even asked to be an usher, which kind of surprised me, because I didn't think I had any role in that context.

I also discovered that Christians, at least in the church I was attending, were just as human as anybody else. There were church politics, cliques, in-groups, out-groups, agendas, and so forth. Growing the church was a big agenda item, but as far as I could tell, it wasn't motivated so much from the desire to bring the "unsaved" through our doors as to increase the esteem and reputation of the church in the community by making it bigger and bigger. I read a statistic once that said churches get bigger, not so much because unbelievers find faith and enter a particular church but because people who are already believers cycle between this church and that, looking for "programs" that fit their needs.

A lot of the questions I had about Christianity, didn't seem to have answers. I assumed it was because I was so young in my faith that I just didn't have the experience and spiritual maturity to glean these hidden gems.

Eventually (a long story) I entered the "Messianic" or "One Law" movement in a local congregation and thought I had found the answers I was looking for, or at least was on the road to discovering them. Although I found a core group of people who I could relate to and worship in brothership with, I found that people were people and, in some ways, the divisions, cliques, politics, and other separators were more intense than in the church.

Nevertheless, I'd found a niche (not all at once, but that's another long story), a way to participate, to use my skill sets, and to serve others the way I thought God wanted me to.

So here I am ten years down the road, looking at all the broken pieces of glass representing the different shards of the MJ and OL communities, like so many pieces of a broken window pane glittering in the Sun.

Like humpty dumpty, they seem impossible to join together again, but unlike that famous fairy tale egg, I don't know if they were ever in one piece to begin with.

There are days when I ask myself, what am I doing here? What's the point? Am I really doing any good? Why bother arguing and fussing with all these other folks? Everybody seems to feel as if they have an ownership over what decision I'm supposed to make about my relationship with God and particularly how I'm supposed to worship him. Is God really that overwhelmingly concerned whether I pray to him in English or in Hebrew, or does that only offend other human beings? I know that all men have sinned and have fallen short of God's expectations for us, but I also know that if I'm sincere in my heart and in my actions, repent, and cry out to Him, He will not abandon me. Neither will He denigrate me, call me names, accuse me of being a bigot, a supersessionalist, a replacement theologist, or a racist. He will accept that I'm not perfect and that my worship form isn't perfect. It's what's in the heart, not the "ceremony" that's most important to Him.

While it might be a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living God, it's also the only place where I can be truly safe. Human beings, as the Bible says from time to time, aren't reliable.

There are days when I feel like saying "to heck with it". There are days when I say to myself, "This isn't worth it". It would be easier just to walk way from the blogs, from the community, and from everyone's ideas, prejudices, biases, and opinions and never look back. There are days when I want to say, "You want this mess? You can have it".

If I'm so offensive, so racist, so evil, so unacceptable, and such a threat, then I can only make you feel better by taking myself out of the picture. If I choose to stay in my home on Shabbat, read the Bible, and pray, how does that hurt you? If I choose to remove myself from the endless stream of arguing and discontent, how am I being disrespectful of you?

I don't think God wants me to do that, but there are days when the temptation is enormous. But if I don't take myself out of the stream of arguing, accusations, theological attacks, personal attacks, what else is there? What can I do instead?

Yes, we all feel safe within our little bubbles. I don't doubt that each of you feel safe in your own "bubble" synagogues, churches, and faith communities. If you didn't, why would you be there? The community of faith is the only place where we, as believers, are supposed to be safe from the dangers of the fallen world. Who ever would have guessed that the community of believers...at least in it's larger context, would be just as dangerous.

As a result of all these conversations plus my inquiries and research, I have become open to change as far as who I am and what my role is as a Gentile worshiper of the Jewish Messiah. The problem is, I don't necessarily believe that any one of you and your groups is 100% correct in your beliefs and assumptions. You all incorporate a specific collection of interpretations based as much (or more) on traditions that make you feel good about yourselves as on what it actually says in the Bible.

If it were within my power, I would strip away all of that and reduce the Word and Will of God down to its bare, naked components, then reapply them to humanity, "first to the Jew, and then to the Gentile", and eliminate ambiguity, ambition, and ego from the equation. I'd also remove the sense of fear, threat, and need for control that drives most of these blog comments and that would herd me into a church I have no essential connection to, just to make other people feel safe, regardless of what it would to do me. I would distill the Word and Will of God down to its original form and we would all conform to His will and not our own will and we would know, this is what God wants. Of course, it's not up to me.

I can only make you feel safe by either removing myself from your awareness or complying with your directives. I can only make myself feel safe by remaining within my current worship context or removing myself from all faith communities and out of the stream of Internet conversation.

Is this what God wants? Notice, I'm not asking you what you want. I'm not even asking me what I want. What does God want? Another way of asking "what am I doing here?" is to ask "why did God put me here?" There are times when I think I know. There are times when someone tells me they liked my teaching and I think that's why God put me here. There are times when I have a conversation and feel very connected to the other person through the power of God and I think that's why God put me here.There are times when I see a dirty floor in the kitchen at the place where we worship and I clean up the mess and I think that's why God put me here.

But for every one positive, loving, and compassionate contact I have with a human being and every small act of kindness I manage to accomplish, I can find ten other conversations with other believers that do not communicate the love of God for the rest of us or for humanity. This isn't God's fault, it's ours. Why do we argue with each other all the time? Is God that difficult to figure out? Why aren't we looking for the healing and connecting points between our groups? I've been looking for them. Where I can, I try to make them and build a small bridge. But the blowtorch of religious opinion and attitude is hotter than I and my bridges are fireproof. I can't do this forever. I'm burning alive in the midst of everyone's fear and anger and need and desire for them to be always "right" and everyone else to always be "wrong".

C'mon, God. Some of your people are really scary. Some of your people are really opinionated. Some of your people are more motivated by their fear than by Your love. Some of your people burn more bridges than they build and call incinerating relationships "fellowship". C'mon God. Let me know. What am I doing here?

Afterword: Yes, this is a rant. I get frustrated sometimes. I'll get over it.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

In some ways, I can definitely relate to where you are. I am part of a home group because I do not quite fit into any place either. Truthfully, I never looked into going to a Messianic Synagogue because I am a gentile. Though the traditions are beautiful and I can respect them, many are not found in the Bible itself so I have not felt compelled to join in them. I celebrate the feasts because they are in the Bible. I try to use it as my guide but I am sure that many would find it odd or wrong. I don't think G-d does but I am willing to let Him tell me if it bothers Him.

I did not know there was division among Messiah worshipers but it does not surprise me, we are human. I had not even heard of the OL group until I found your blog. I guess I have been blissfully ignorant.

Some of this I actually find encouraging. Even ten years ago I was aware of almost no gentile who did not celebrate Easter or who had even heard of most of the feasts. Now I have found most gentiles are open to hear about it. Many churches have some kind of Seder and at least are teaching the feasts. Many are willing to learn about the jewishness of our faith. Jesus did not come to start a new religion but to correct a broken one and to bring the whole world to Himself. He still will do that.

I believe the Holy Spirit is going to have to bring the unity that Jesus prayed for. I don't think it can be commanded by denominational leaders or found by finding the least common denominator. I do believe G-d will do it. It may take time and get a little messy but I am encouraged none-the-less.

derek4messiah.wordpress.com said...

James:

Good rant. Good questions. Lamentation is good for the soul.

The communities you can identify with are broad and the unity you seek is possible. Our community, broadly, is all of Judaism and Christianity.

With other followers of Yeshua from all kinds of denominations, some you can relate and many you cannot, you have the unity of faith in the Radiance of the Father's Being. With Judaism all Christians have unity to a point, unity in the worship of the God of Israel. And through your marriage you also have another unity. You are married into the tribe as it were.

Yes, if we let niggling differences separate us from the broader movements of faith in the God of Israel and Yeshua we suffer needlessly. But if we lovingly emphasize our union with Judaism and Christianity, we find a massive group of friends in this world.

I know I can be misunderstood in what I am saying, but I'm trying to be encouraging.

Derek Leman

Dan Benzvi said...

James,

What are you complaining about? Try to walk in my shoes. A nice Jewish boy who openly reject MJ and its discrimination of Gentiles. Now, that's a tall order. believe me, you have no problems...LOL!

Zion/Jeruz said...

Dan, you crack me up...

James, I hate to sound cynical, I remember hearing this among some of my friends who are christian debating about the various denominations, and I believe they are right, on this point, 'we will not see a unity until we start getting persecuted... then we will stop acting like idiots and join together'. MJ and OL are not going to bring unity and have not thus far, and I would not count on it either.

Russ said...

Bigot:
"One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain."
Ambrose Bierce

And so what is our fellowship to be based on? Where are the congregations that are growing properly?

At some point we will all have to listen to YHVH and His words of truth regarding these issues. But will His instruction come in the form of a chastisement, or will we listen and yield before that time comes?

Why should we have any confidence in the flesh? Shouldn't we know better by now?

Good post James. Talk to you soon.

Ef

Gene Shlomovich said...

"we will not see a unity until we start getting persecuted... then we will stop acting like idiots and join together"

Brave words indeed... But who are WE? Believers in general or just the so called "messianics" (does it includes sabbath keeping SDA and WWCOG?) Did "believers" turn out in mass in support of Jews when Jews were being slaughtered throughout history? Did they step up to protect "Christian Jews" in their congregations who were led away? The history shows otherwise - most shrunk back, some nodded approvingly, and some joined in and only a few brave honorable souls risked their lives for a Jew. Will many of the currently anti-rabbinic / anti-Messianic-Jewish, Jews-are-discriminating-against-me-screaming OLers or I-am-an-Israelite-too-Efrayimites suddenly become best friends of Jews when (and not if) Jews (of all stripes) will be persecuted once again under their noses and taken away on a truck. May be a few will and time will tell, but I suspect most will run from any association (however remote) with the Jewish people.

I remember reading an SS-compiled reports of Einzatzgruppen (SS)liquidation of Jews in Lithuania and other Eastern European states. Only one convert to Judaism (an ethnic German) was listed among the executed Jews. Was there only ONE convert who joined the Jewish people - what happened to the rest?

James said...

Gene, I know you were specifically responding to Efrayim but I need to make sure I'm understanding what you're saying.

Are you saying that, despite everything believers say about "unity" under Jesus/Yeshua, and despite what the Bible says about loving one another, there will never be any form of unity, brotherhood, or fellowship between Christians (including OL and any other group of Gentile believers) and Jews (including MJ) because history has shown that when the Jews are being persecuted, the vast, vast majority of Gentiles either turn their backs or actively join in on the persecution?

If that's what you're saying and if that's an insurmountable barrier between all Jews and all Gentiles everywhere, then there's no hope of reconciliation until the Messiah comes out of the clouds leading Heaven's armies to destroy God's enemies.

That seems rather extreme and I can't help but believe I'm wrong and that I'm misreading you on this.

Gene Shlomovich said...

"That seems rather extreme and I can't help but believe I'm wrong and that I'm misreading you on this."

It's may seem extreme, but I look to [previous and recent] history as a guide to the future and to prophecies to see what's ahead.

The continuing disunity between between Israel and the nations is of course not universal - there is and will indeed be limited true unity (and most of the MJ's I know have many Christian friends, and we are loving and accepting of each other, and [mostly] respectful of our differences).

By "true unity" I mean that Jews and Gentiles will accept each other and each others unique calling in love, without any kind of resentment and envy, without Jews made to conform to Gentile norms, or Gentiles encouraged to become like Jews (both of which has already happened in history, more than once). And of course, you are correct - the ULTIMATE reconciliation and peace between Jews and Gentiles will take place only at the very end, when Messiah returns:

"Then the survivors from all the nations that have attacked Jerusalem will go up year after year to worship the King, the L-RD Almighty, and to celebrate the Feast of Sukkot" (Zechariah 14:16)

Rick Spurlock said...

I sometimes wonder why returning to a church setting seems like it would be so attractive a destination for a Gentile believer from a Jewish MJ/BE point of view. That I don't find it attractive, lets them accuse me of being both a "Christian hater" and a "Jew hater". Strange thought, that.

I can identify with that as well. In my wildest imagination, I cannot see myself even visiting a church. Having said that, I am among folks that make up a fairly large Messianic community. The 50 of so folks I am closest to are observant - Jew and Gentile (so far we have fought off the silliness of the Jew vs Gentile vs Jew issues that other communities seem to struggle with). However, the hundreds in our larger Messianic community are of all stripes: Jew/Gentile/Observant/Reformed etc, and except for some leadership issues we are very comfortable with each other. It sounds like staving off visits from Messianic "luminaries" may a reason why < grin >? Who cares about red-neck Messianics? (Although Jeremy Gimpel and Ari Abramowitz seem to like us)

If it were within my power, I would strip away all of that and reduce the Word and Will of God down to its bare, naked components, then reapply them to humanity, "first to the Jew, and then to the Gentile", and eliminate ambiguity, ambition, and ego from the equation.


I think you are in good company. It seems to me that is precisely Paul's point in Ephesians 2-3.

The bottom line should be: What do people do - not what they "believe." Although I am willing to take on any teaching that denies the unity of the Scriptures; the deity of Messiah; or the oneness of HaShem's people - with individuals we should be more interested in right behavior than right doctrine. This is what I teach, and what the people I am closest to do. It makes for much more gracious interaction between individuals, even though we may rant against "false teaching." I think that this approach has been one of the reasons that normative Judaism has been less fragmentary. The problem with most Messianics is that they come from a previous faith that was creed-based instead of deed-based.

Chazak!

Dan Benzvi said...

Gene,

I guess they will not be able to celebrate the feast of Sukkot in your congregation, right? Will they be able to make Alyah laTorah, and read from it? LOL!

James said...

@Rick I didn't mean to come across like I'd explode if I ever entered a church. I don't see a problem with visiting churches for a variety of reasons, including attending events I've been invited to by friends.

I meant to say that I can't see myself making a traditional, Sunday keeping church my faith community; my "home", if you will. As I mentioned in this blog article and in previous articles, there are a variety of reasons for my feelings on this matter, none of them being that I think churches or the people in them are bad or evil. Generally, the church is the primary body that extends itself to OL congregations when we need a place to meet or hold a special service.

It's my personal history in the church, plus my current personal convictions that wouldn't make me a good fit.

This is why it seems so strange for me to have an individual or group basically which whom I am not directly affiliated tell me I must attend a church as the only worship context appropriate for me as a Gentile. Don't I have some say in the matter?

Gene Shlomovich said...

"so far we have fought off the silliness of the Jew vs Gentile vs Jew issues that other communities seem to struggle with"

"Jew vs Gentile vs Jew issues" (or rather Gentiles playing "Jews") is no issue when you have next to no Jews in your congregation, Rick - and if most OL congregations are any indication, your is no exception.

Gene Shlomovich said...

"I guess they will not be able to celebrate the feast of Sukkot in your congregation, right? Will they be able to make Alyah laTorah, and read from it? LOL!"

Dan, you are only partially wrong - Gentiles are welcome to come and celebrate the "feasts" with us.

Aliyah to Torah, um, no - in keeping with halakha only Jews who are circumcised can participate in that (and in a few other exclusively Jewish rites) - Gentiles are not called up because they are under no obligation to the covenant of Torah of Moses and it's traditional honor instituted by Jewish people only for the Jewish people. We do not engage in Judaizing and we do not support One-Law ideology. And besides, what kind of a "Jewish" congregation would we be if being a "Jew" made absolutely no difference in our own Jewish synagogue/community and Jewishness was relegated to a mere "race/ethnicity" as it is in your community? This would only encourage assimilation of Jews into a Gentile majority, and as the Gentile proportion of our community would become ever larger, and eventually take over the direction of the community. That would be a disservice to our calling as Jews and to the Jewish community to whom we represent our Jewish Messiah.

Rick Spurlock said...

"Jew vs Gentile vs Jew issues" (or rather Gentiles playing "Jews") is no issue when you have next to no Jews in your congregation, Rick - and if most OL congregations are any indication, your is no exception.


@Gene, I think you live a pretty sheltered life if you think that there are only a handful of Jews in communities with observant Gentiles (I reject the "One Law" label because it was originally meant as a pejorative). Our larger Messianic community has about 40/60 Jew/Gentile (a guess, because we think it is rude to ask). Our smaller all-observant community is about 20/80 Jew/Gentile.

I have never personally experienced the "Jew vs Gentile vs Jew" silliness. I was a little shocked when I began reading about the attacks on observant Gentiles a number of years ago. I had no idea there were people like you.

Gene, I know lots of Jews. Charlotte has about 15,000 Jews (mostly Reformed or secular) and a thriving Messianic Community as well. Maybe our Southern Jews aren't as "mean" as South Florida Messianic Jews? < grin >

Rick Spurlock said...

Aliyah to Torah, um, no - in keeping with halakha only Jews who are circumcised can participate in that (and in a few other exclusively Jewish rites)


So Gentiles are to "forsake the reading of the Word"? What a shame. The rabbi in Jerusalem at Simchat Torah last year invited all-comers for aliyah, including Gentiles. Too bad your hospitality (or lack thereof) is being outdone by "non-Messianic" Israelis.

Gene Shlomovich said...

"Our larger Messianic community has about 40/60 Jew/Gentile (a guess, because we think it is rude to ask). Our smaller all-observant community is about 20/80 Jew/Gentile."

Rick, do you think I for a second believe your first number or even your second number? But kudos to you that you disclaimed that your ratios were just a "guess" - but I'd say it's more than a guess - it's a fantasy. Perhaps your have many Two-House members with "Jewish" imaginations:)

Gene Shlomovich said...

"So Gentiles are to "forsake the reading of the Word"?

Gentiles no more forsake the reading of the Word, than Jewish women in traditional synagogues forsake the Word just because they are also not called up to Torah. It's an empty argument.

"What a shame. The rabbi in Jerusalem at Simchat Torah last year invited all-comers for aliyah, including Gentiles."

He may have thought they were Jews - all dressed up as Jews OLers like to do.

"Too bad your hospitality (or lack thereof) is being outdone by "non-Messianic" Israelis."

Me not pretending that Gentiles are Israelites/Jews and not Judaizing doesn't prevent me from extending my welcome to them as Gentiles.

Mike said...

James - What are you doing here? - You are encouraging people like me, who think like you. Open minded, open to new ways of thinking, yet firm in what we know to be true.

As far as the 'Dissenters' like Gene, I have learned not to take things personally ( tho these issues are personal :) ) But, he is a God fearer like me. I respect that, he may bash, but it comes from a good intention. I respect that.

What you do is run a blog, in a manner I wish I could in regards to your education and experience. Keep it up. You encourage me.

Mike

Rick Spurlock said...

@Gene, if you were to visit our congregation, we would be honored for you to make aliyah first.

@James, I agree with Mike - your thoughtful posts are an encouragement. Keep them coming.

James said...

@Mike Thanks for the support and encouragement. As far as my education is concerned, I just want to be clear that I have no formal degrees in Theology, Divinity, or other Religious subjects. I have a few initials after my name, but they are in unrelated fields.

Despite all of the labels or categories that are tossed about here and on other blogs, the core of what I'm looking for and what I'm trying to do has less to do with names like "Messianic Judaism" and "One Law" and more with trying to understand and living out where I and other people like me fit into God's plan (as opposed to people's plans). In that, sincerity, openess of heart, and the willingness to truly change are the most essential elements.

I know that God can see what I'm trying to do. I'm glad a few other folks can see it, too.

Thanks again.

Rick Spurlock said...

do you think I for a second believe your first number or even your second number? But kudos to you that you disclaimed that your ratios were just a "guess"

@Gene, because you don't know the congregation I attend, I will simply remind you that there is a world out there beyond your nose.

As for whatever you think your own demographics are, they are merely a guess as well (not counting pretend Jews and mixed heritages sure delutes the genes, eh?).

As for two-housers, we don't have an in our congregation, so I would not know what you are talking about there.

Dan Benzvi said...

Gene,

"Aliyah to Torah, um, no - in keeping with halakha only Jews who are circumcised can participate in that (and in a few other exclusively Jewish rites) - Gentiles are not called up because they are under no obligation to the covenant of Torah of Moses and it's traditional honor instituted by Jewish people only for the Jewish people"

OK, I will make a correction in my Bible in Zech. 14:16. I will add: And thus said Shlomovitch..."

Gene Shomovich said...

"OK, I will make a correction in my Bible in Zech. 14:16."

Dan, I see you started with Acts 15, and has been working backwards and forwards, making your corrections, ever since.

Gene Shomovich said...

"As for whatever you think your own demographics are, they are merely a guess as well (not counting pretend Jews and mixed heritages sure delutes the genes, eh?)."

Rick, towards a minyan in our synagogue (minyan of men) I count only halachic Jews as Jews (Orthodox/traditional standard). Most of the Jews who come to our synagogue were born to two Jewish parents and were bar/bat-mitzvahed, and a few were born to Jewish mothers only. Only a small percentage of folks are non-halachic Jews, meaning those born to Jewish fathers. Anyone who comes claiming more distant Jewish ancestry gets checked out (and most of that time this proves unprovable, and therefor that person is not counted as Jewish.), although we are very sympathetic with those with provable but distant Jewish ancestry. I don't believe in playing fast and loose games with halachic standards of my people, as Messianics have been known to do.

Dan Benzvi said...

How do you know Gene? Do you ask them to drop their pants? LOL!

Gene Shomovich said...

"How do you know Gene? Do you ask them to drop their pants? LOL!"

Why do you ask - is that how you prove your own Jewishness, Dan?

Allison said...

James, I just stopped by and have spent a good amount of the last hour engrossed in your last several posts. Thank you for verbalizing a whole lot that has been rolling around in my head, albeit muddled and pre-verbal, for the last year or so. Sigh. It's good to find likemindedness along this sometimes confusing path that we are on. THAT has to be one of the many reasons you are here. :)

Searching for that same light on the path~
Allison

James said...

I'm touched, Allison. Thanks. :)