When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. -James 4:3
Sometimes it happens that you set out to do something with the best of intentions - and you end up with what appears the opposite.
Know with absolute certainty - because this is a tradition of our sages - that if your true intent is good, then from it only good can emerge.
Perhaps not the good you intended - or care for - but good nevertheless.
Rabbi Tzvi Freeman
from "Detoured Good"
Chabad.org
I read Rabbi Freeman's words yesterday, which I quoted above, and thought about my own situation. I've recently commented on both Judah Himango's and Derek Leman's blogs regarding my intention to formally leave the world of "Messianic" worship, and specifically the "One Law" branch of this movement. I no longer believe that God intends for Gentiles and Jews to live absolutely identical lifestyles, with Christians performing all of the mitzvot in every detail, precisely like their Jewish brothers and sisters, thus obliterating any covenant difference between Jew and Christian.
My intent, among other things, is to do good. My purpose, or at least one of them, is to honor the chosen people of God (not that we all can't be chosen in our own ways); the Children of Israel. My motivation is not just Jews in general but my Jewish wife in specific. She has been very patient with me, but I can only imagine how she sees me, her Christian husband, when I go to worship with my congregation on Shabbat, knowing that I will be praying with a tallit, using a siddur, and reciting the Shema.
My intention is to do good in the action of leaving my congregation, but Rabbi Freeman makes me wonder. If my intention is good, can only truly good things result? After all, we have a common saying that goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" (thought to have originated with Saint Bernard of Clairvaux who wrote, "L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés et désirs" or "hell is full of good wishes and desires").
However Jesus (Yeshua) also seems to say something we find echoed in Rabbi Freeman's teaching. Even though we are evil, we know how to give good gifts. If prayer is like an incense offering; a gift to God (Psalm 141:2, Revelation 5:8, Revelation 8:4), then maybe even my attempt to extend myself outside of my own skin and my own thoughts and to connect, however tenuously, with God, will yield something of His goodness, even though I can't anticipate the exact result of my "offering".
I haven't tendered my resignation to my congregation yet, but the time is coming all too soon. We are small and our resources are limited. I'm a significant resource for my community, not only as a teacher, but as a blog writer, and the person who maintains our website. In soothing my conscience and attempting to reconcile the faith portion of my relationship with my wife, what do I do to the congregation?
Another saying we have is "He who hesitates is lost". I can't simply do nothing, continue on with the status quo, and hope for the best. I've been praying and waiting for an answer to this puzzle for almost two years and I'm still waiting. While God can provide miracles completely outside of human actions, I know we aren't supposed to depend on God doing so. With all this going on, what does God want and what will He do?
Today, my email quote from Rabbi Freeman contained the following:
Every moment,In seeking God and His will, I'm like a blind man trying to find a sunny patch of ground on which to stand. The weather is partly cloudy, and I only have a feeble sense of warm or cold to tell me if I've reached my goal. Rabbi Freeman says that any time I truly wish to be connected to God, I am, but like that blind man, I can't always tell if I'm already standing in the light of day. Like a man driving his car on a lonely stretch of freeway in the middle of the desert at night, I can only see as far as my headlights can pierce the darkness. In order to reach my destination, I must continue driving through the vast obsidian wastes and hope for the dawn.
every human activity
is an opportunity to connect with the Infinite.
Every act can be an uplifting of the soul.
It is only your will that may stand in the way.
But as soon as you wish,
you are connected.
A rebuke impresses a discerning person more than a hundred lashes a fool. -Proverbs 17:10
10 comments:
How about attending the synagogue your wife attends? I have been attending synagogue for several months now and have found it very helpful in putting things more in perspective. As long as you dont wear a tallit I dont think there would be a problem.
The current problem is that some people who know me from the Messianic community occasionally go to services and classes at both the Reform and Chabad synagogues in town. My wife has wished, in the past, that I could attend some of the Chabad classes with her since she knows I'd be interested, but she's worried that some of my past acquaintances would "out" me and thereby embarrass her.
One of the main reasons I'm leaving the Messianic group is to be able to, if necessary, explain to the various Rabbis involved that I no longer am affiliated with "Messianic Judaism" or whatever they'd prefer to call the movement. In that way, I might be more acceptable to them and be able to integrate, at least to some small degree, into their communities.
I actually did attend the Reform synagogue with my kids about 10-12 years ago. This is when my wife's religious affiliation was more "in flux" and she was toggling back and forth between the Messianic and traditional Jewish communities (and before we had a Chabad presence in our area). I left the Reform shul mainly because I couldn't find a role to play there. I felt distinctly like an outsider and was very awkward during and after Shabbat services. I eventually returned to the Messianic world as my wife transitioned more completely from Messianic to traditional Judaism, losing her faith in Yeshua in the process.
This brings up the very interesting question of how I'd feel in a synagogue now? I'm sure I'd feel uncomfortable at first, but would I be able to integrate after a ten year absence but also after ten years of spiritual growth? Even with leaving the Messianic movement, my wife says it's not a "done deal" that she'd be OK with me attending synagogue with her. It's her world and her community. It's where she feels safe as a Jew and, due to my having a "history", I would be a danger to that safety.
Sometimes, my very simple prayer to God is to say, "I want to go home" but then, where is "home"? For Dorothy it was easy: Kansas. For me, though?
I dont see what this history is that you are referring to? The fact that you have been involved in a church? Because that is how a messianic community is seen by most Jewish people. I cant see how that would be a problem. Even if you were to be some infamous Christian missionary, so what? I think for most people its more important where you currently are. What is there to 'out'? The fact that you are not Jewish? That shouldnt upset anyone. I think if you are upfront that you are exploring Judaism and trying to find your way in life, noone will be bothered by you not sharing the same beliefs. Not to mention the fact that you are attending Chabad whose beliefs are certainly not normative.
Perhaps at first they will not be socializing with you all the time but this is natural if you go to a place the first time. In the shul I go to, some are very friendly with me and make me feel welcome though there are 1 or 2 people that ignore me. Im not sure if this happens conciously but even if it were, there would be ample reason for them to be critical at first. Once they see you are sincere most people will accept you though.
I dont know at what stage you are but I suppose if you just let them know you are exploring Judaism and are married to one of their congregants they wouldnt mind your attendance.
Obviously this is not the same as being fully part of the community but then again given your attraction to Judaism and willingness to attend some faith community this seems a good choice for at least the short term.
Cherchez La Femme....
Christians can be more or less tolerated and even accepted in a synagogue depending on the shul, but "Messianic Judaism" is seen as a type of missionary Christianity that is offensive and even threatening. Trust me on this one, I've seen the conversations that have gone on after a "known" Messianic has visited a synagogue. To make it worse, some of the more "in-your-face" Messianics in my area have gone to the Chabad synagogue and "challenged" the Rabbi. Not a terrific way to make a good impression.
That said, regardless of how the Rabbi and the congregation would see me, the person I really have to make comfortable is the missus. Her perceptions about how I'd be received, whether they are realistic or not, are at the center of things. I know being a Gentile and a Christian isn't going to ruffle too many feathers as long as I mind my manners. At the Reform synagogue, some of the board members are Gentiles and I know of more than one intermarried couple at the Chabad.
If my wife can get past her concerns about how I would be viewed, then it would be possible for me to take a class or two. After that, who knows? My wife and I have worshiped and studied apart for many years now. I think she's gotten comfortable with being a Jew in a Jewish community (that is, without her Christian husband). The real task is to see how or if she can manage the idea of me being part of her religious life again after so many years and after so many changes. I suspect if she can accept me in that context, others will as well. We'll see in the months ahead.
Is your wife aware that you have questions about certain key pillars in Christianity? If so, I could only imagine that she would be pleased to see you move more towards her spectrum? Btw if these questions are too personal feel free to leave them unanswered.
She's becoming aware of it.
Don't worry. I pretty much "puke up" my personal life here on a daily basis. If it gets a little too close to home, I'll let you know. ;-)
Cherchez La Femme....
If I understand you correctly, didn't I just say that, Dan?
"didn't I just say that, Dan? "
So why do you camoflash it with all kind of other doo-doo?
You are turning away from your calling and that is very sad, beside the fact that you are abandoning a sheep that might scatter without your leadership.
But then again, I don;t know what I would have done heve I been in your shoes.
But then again, I don;t know what I would have done heve I been in your shoes.
Thanks for that. I didn't say this was an easy decision. As far as abandoning my sheep, the congregation has a distributed leadership so that, if any one person leaves or otherwise can't perform their duties, other people can take over. I don't believe in the "one man show" style of leadership.
Beyond that, who is to say what my "calling" is and that it can't change periodically?
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