The Beautiful Girl and Her Very Long List

In every relationship, there's give and take...at least in every healthy relationship. Although for a relationship to succeed over the long term, there must be some overlap of goals, priorities, and interests, each person still remains an individual. Not all of our personality traits and behaviors are going to be acceptable to the other, hence the need for each party to bend a little. It is unreasonable for one person to expect the other to do all the bending. Either the person doing all the bending is a masochist who completely subverts all of his wants and needs for the other, or the relationship unravels pretty quickly.

Let me illustrate.

Bilateral Ecclesiology and the Gentiles Series

Let's say you are a young, single guy. You aren't too handsome, but you aren't really ugly, either. You don't have a lot of money, but you work hard and are honest. You aren't perfect, but you recognize that fact and you are striving to be better every day.

Then you meet a girl. She's beautiful. She's smart. You're not sure that a relationship will work out between you, but you'd like to at least try a first date and see where it goes.

You finally get up the nerve to introduce yourself and ask her out. Her response is immediate. She hands you a list.

You read the list and it's a set of requirements. The first part of the list describes all of your flaws, even ones you didn't know you had or personal qualities you didn't even know were flaws. The list details the types of changes you have to make to your appearence, your clothing, your grooming, your speech, your eating habits, and everything else about you before she will consent to even a first date.

But there's more.

The rest of the list has to do with your family and friends. They have to change, too and in exactly the same way as you are expected to change. The girl can't have you in association with anyone who doesn't comply to the requirements of the list and you must convince your family and friends to make all of these changes, because this is what the girl needs before she will consent to go out on even one date with you.

There are three possible responses:

Response 1.

She's wonderful. Although the list is challenging, you figure she's worth it. You immediately set out to make the changes in yourself. It requires some effort and an outlay of cash to buy the right clothes, get the right hair cut, change your diet, join a gym, hire a speech tutor, but you make significant strides in accomplishing your goals.

Now for the hard part; your family and friends.

You approach them and explain that you need them to change because you can't date this girl unless they do. You say that, if the relationship works, she'll be an amazing person for them to have as a friend, and they won't regret making the changes in their lives for her sake (and yours).

A few of them, because they love you, say they'd be willing to bend in certain areas but they aren't sure that they want to change themselves so completely, at least not all at once. They ask for some time to consider the items on the list. Of course, your more distant relatives and friends take one look at the list and say it's pretty nerve-y for the girl to have such high expections out of a guy and his family and friends without even dating the guy first. They say that there's no way they're changing anything about themselves because they like themselves just the way they are.

You go back to the girl and ask for more time. You explain the difficulties you've encountered and point out how you have made the vast majority of the changes she's requested. You ask if perhaps you can go on that first date and you'll promise to continue to work with your family and friends to help them see how beneficial making the changes in their lives will be in order to have a relationship with you.

Unfortunately, she's very firm in her requirements and all of the items on the list must be completed. She says that her mother and grandmother put up with guys just like you for a long time and now that she's here, she's going to change all of that. If any guy wants to date her, it has to be completely on her terms or there will be no relationship.

You go back to your family and friends, but they just don't see your point of view and feel the girl is being unreasonable in being so absolute with her requirements for the sake of even one single date. It's not as if you are about to get married or even dating steadily. Then there'd be an expectation that you'd have to do some changing...but then, so would she.

You realize that, no matter how much you want to pursue a relationship with her, starting with a single date, the amount of effort you'd have to generate to change your entire life, including the lives of each and every person you associate with, would be insurmountable. You meet her one last time, sadly return the list, and say you hope she finds the guy she's looking for someday.

You now realize that you really have changed and no longer fit in with your family and friends. Yet you know your own changes will never be enough and you have no future with the girl and her list. No longer having a sense of belonging, you start looking for another place to live and wonder where you'll end up. You still feel like you are someone who could be loved someday, but can't imagine who would have you now.

Response 2.

She's crazy. You take one look at all the items on the list and realize this girl is way too high maintenance. You know you're not perfect and indeed, are far from it, but this is only a first date. It's not like you've asked her to marry you or anything. Even if you were willing to make all these changes for the sake of a single date, it's completely nuts to expect your family and friends to suddenly morph into a different thing, just to see if a relationship is possible. Sure, if there was more of a commitment and if she were willing to bend a little and be patient, it might be different, but if she insists that all of the changes must occur first, there's no way.

You give her back her list, wish her a lot of luck, and return to your regularly scheduled life.

Response 3.

She's looking for a completely different guy. You read the list and realize that it points to how incredibly awful you are as a person, how awful your friends are, and how awful your family is. The girl seems so sure of how perfect she is, how beautiful she is, and you realize you are completely unworthy of her. Unlike a fairy tale, you are a frog who never turns into a prince. You sadly give the list back to the girl, thank her for her time, and walk away.

Yes, these examples are extreme and I'm sure a lot of people out there are going to cry "foul", but these scenarios are meant to illustrate the position, at least as I've been reading it, of certain aspects of Messianic Judaism in relation to both the Christian church and those of us Gentiles who entered into "the movement" originally believing that "One Law" was the appropriate link between believing Jews and Gentiles. Even if someone like me begins to shift perspective and starts making changes, we're also responsible for trying to change our entire world and all of the people in it...at least in the congregation where we attend, before we can even go on a "first date". The girl, for her part, isn't required to do a thing except present the list.

As I've already outlined in an earlier blog post, making those changes isn't easy and it won't be quick. I've tried to explain that a more Hillel-like approach would be beneficial in the long run, but it seems like I keep getting hit with Shammai's measuring rod.

Even if Messianic Judaism is willing to throw all One Law congregations and all One Law associated people under a bus, consider the church, which at least MJ says it wants a relationship with. Are you going to get much of a different response from many Christian churches than the ones I've described?

Read the story of Hillel, Shammai, and the three converts again and ask yourselves which one of the great sages achieved the desired goal. If you conclude it was Shammai, then you'll not only chase away any of the people currently worshiping at One Law congregations who would otherwise have been able to make the changes and been worthy companions and allies, but you'll alienate most Christians and churches as well.

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. -Ephesians 2:14-18

I wonder if Paul knew what he was talking about and if, by some miracle of God, that peace he describes existed between the Gentiles and Jews in the "Messianic movement" of his day? I'm having trouble finding it right now.

I've come to realize that this isn't going to work. I don't fit in as a person and certainly my lifestyle doesn't fit in with the requirements of Messianic Judaism. The Messianic movement has also left me in a state to where I can't even join my wife in a Jewish synagogue because I have a "Messianic" reputation. While it's now clear that the dissonance in this situation will require my eventually leaving my current congregation and any form of worship associated with One Law, Messianic Judaism, or a Judaism of any kind, the church is no longer an option for me, either. If I had never left the church, I suppose I'd be there to this day and be happy in the comfort of numbers and legitimacy of a recognized religion. Messianic Judaism would accept or at least tolerate me because I was "in my place".

Of course, that wouldn't work, because it would deny my wife's and childrens's Judaism, and I wouldn't keep them from their heritage for anything at all...so leaving the church, for me and my family, was inevitable. For the sake of my family being Jewish, we needed to leave the church. I believe God wants my wife to experience and live out her Judaism.

So here I am.

It's time to reconsider my options, my theology, and my faith. I've been brought to a point of questioning my few remaining assumptions, which go to the core of what I'm even doing when I have the nerve to pray to the God of Abraham and the Jewish Messiah. According to the Bible, I'm supposed to be welcome in the Kingdom of God. I'm just not welcome among his people.

I'm turning it back over to God. Where does He want me to go and what does He want me to do?

For my part, I have no idea.